Do Fish Fart?

Losing your job is Climate Change. What happened to Acid Rain? Climate Change. Farting under the covers is no longer called a Dutch Oven/Greek Sauna because under the new generation of Political correctness, it is now referred to as Climate Change. Hell, travel agents call vacations Climate Change! New socks and underwear! Climate Change. When women throw you that curve-ball of thoughts...yes, Climate Change! My back fat is cold, while my butt cheeks are Hot! Climate Change.

My Great Great Great Great Great...Great Grandpa, Krog (with back hair Gene) and his wife Elle [also, with back hair gene (Boy, that is almost blasphemy!)], knew all about the reality of true Climate Change and not some Political term that means warming with cooling, Wet with Dry, Paper or Plastic, yes with no, Highway or Byway ("It's my way or the Highway!" Wouldn't that be Bye-way?), Christians and Jews hugging Muslims while celebrating in dance, Rising with Falling, Truth with Lies, a Snickers bar with a Diet Coke,...and Cats with Dogs! I just want the term Global Warming back so I can focus on somewhat of a debate.

I hope the Universe is warming, or cooling; and whether that is good or bad, I will have to wait for a true definition of reality. My beef is that why is it okay to eat fish, but not livestock, when discussing " ********** ********** " (Nobody has a term that truly fits here these days.); and greenhouse gas emissions produced per pound of protein created. By the way, those Biosphere experiments didn't work either, because I was in there eating soybean Chili! I am just sayin' that I feel so much better that Deli Chicken is deep-fried in "0-Trans-Fat" oil that will power a city bus someday!

Stay Greasy my friends,

The Most Into Resting Man in the World

The Key West Cemetery is only 15ft away from this small park and the nearest home is farther away from that ; so just what "neighbors" are listening? The park is also so small that there are no benches, chairs, or seats of any kind. Not to many homeless enter, because it is a dog park (Do you smell what I'm stepping in?); and it wouldn't be comfortable for them to gather and get loud. I think the loudest thing that has ever happened in there, is when I farted, and blamed it on the dog! I am going to submit a complaint to the graveyard stiffs, dead and alive!

The White Zombie

Thanks Juneau!

It was Career Day in High School and the counselor was trying to talk me into being a fireman, not a firewoman. He said it is a good-paying job with good benefits; and you only work 3 days a week. He also stated that it is a career the receives the utmost respect from women. Well, maybe I should have taken that road; and maybe I would have, if he had told me that you get to eat spaghetti with The Fellas!

Why is it that it is the only Government job in which it is socially acceptable to take your shirt off and pose for a calendar? The counselor must have forgotten to mention that one too. The other government jobs have never heard of such a thing. Yes, I can imagine.

In Juneau, Alaska, I don't think I have heard of any calendars featuring the "Ladies of the Eight, Tease" (That is the 80's-looking women from the 8th floor of the State Office Building (A.K.A. - The S.O.B.). I just can't see them posing during a coffee break on "Smokers Terrace" above Will A. Bee Avenue (It's been too long, and I can't remember how to spell it.), while I am sitting at Bullwinkles hoovering down a "Super Hero" giving myself "Captain Crunch" mouth from that hard-crusted "Freedom" bread, as a kid is screaming because his Fanky Balloon is stuck on the ceiling! (Whew.) I am getting such a visual that I am going to apply for a grant to install a web-cam in the Atrium above the Pipe Organ.

I have also never heard of one called "A Baker's Dozen of the Mezzanine Men" from "The Federal Building" cafeteria (Public welcome, reasonably priced.). These "Members Only" wearing guys just keep wiping chili stains off their shirts, because a neck tie is only worn by FBI agents, 8th floor courtroom personnel, lobby security, and Mike Kelly (During the week of Christmas). By the way, has a congressman ever used their offices in there? If you sniff their seats, I bet they smell like 1966. Mine does!

Cal N. Darr

It is Like Soft Porn

Well, I told you so! This photo was on the front page of the local newspaper this morning. I think the guidance counselor mentioned the career of Spring Break Photograper to me; but he probably stated it between the choices of Cowboy and Farmer; so I lost focus, and missed out on a lifetime of being a paid Voyeur. And, by the way, when you see older guys on the beach with cameras, you just know they are using the "You should be a model" line.

I forgot to address a headline story from last week in The Keys. Apparently, a middle-aged woman/Kook got into an auto accident because she decided to shave her "George W." ("Bush", yes I miss "him".) while driving down the highway. That is some kind of multitasking talent! I haven't been in that much of a hurry since I was late for my vasectomy appointment!

Be quiet. I'm "whispering".


The Silencer

The Fellas, The Friends and The Lovers

Why is it that a woman can say that she is meeting a girlfriend, which means that she is meeting a friend, and not a lover? Men don't meet their boyfriends, unless they are lovers; and when men meet a woman/pal, she is a friend, not a girlfriend. Male friends are known as The Fellas. Women can ask each other if they would like to go out dancing, while hetero-men would never ask that, unless they are Latino. If a woman is called Champagne, most would think Stripper; but if a guy is named Champ, he is a hero! It is about as confusing as Jay Leno's hair...once it was black with a white stripe, and now it is white with a black stripe.

Yes, it is Friday night; and I am waiting for "Nuns" (Women that don't return my calls). Just remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, until you are facing into rejection!

The Friendly-Loving Guy Hugger

Spring Forward

The month of March should be Bikini History Month. I am just sayin' that, once again, it is Spring Break in Key West. The streets will be flooded with young ladies sporting mini-mini skirt/bikini top outfits (To make a point here, I am just going to say that women over 40 shouldn't try to pull this look off; and Gail, check your closet, because I know you will notice a skirt and top missing, that I will be wearing at the next J. Edgar Hoover look-alike contest.) and annoyingly drunk Abercrombie and Fitch guys that have Jonas Brothers hair.

There is also Bike Week that takes place in March. Mostly ugly guys on motorcycles; and an occasional 2 ladies riding on the same motorcycle (D.O.B.'s) pass by. Harley's are louder than Gibert Gottfried; and more irritating than the neighbor's chainsaw on Saturday morning. It is also about the only time and place in the world when a fat guy in leather can actuallly be considered cool!

St. Patrick's day is also another sign of Spring; and is pretty much considered a holiday in The Keys. Who was St. Patrick; and if alcohol wasn't involved, why would anyone care? Why can't there be a "Pat Mark's Day"; and why is Rick so special?

What is Daylight Savings Time? If I could spend daylight, I would be rich! How do you save daylight? Where is that Bank? And "they" keep fighting over it like it was a Martin Luther King Jr. Day decision.

I am going to pass-over Palm Sunday!

The Farse Side

So, we are over 2 years into a recession; and Washington is finally thinking about the unemployment problem. Do they call it a job "Summit" because the jobless rate has possibly peaked? The jobs "saved" are the numbers they use to pat themselves on the back, along with those part-time temporary employment opportunities that were "created". Well, at least people in the Armed Forces are finding work; and there is water on the Moon!

I am glad the Health Care problem is solved and the Insurers aren't wasting money on unnecessary mammograms. The Swine Flu has disappeared from the news almost as much as Iraq, while it is snowing in Texas; and the Man-Made global warming modified numbers get thrown toward the Mythbusters. I am just hoping that Sarah Palin's book doesn't become required reading in the High Schools around the country.

I made a bumper sticker for SEAGLA (Southeast Alaska Gay and Lesbian Association) that said: "The Sea Level is rising; so put your finger in a dyke!"

I also had an affair with Tiger Woods. (Reality TV shows are the only ones hiring.)

Jimmy (The fat kid with his jar of ants)